


FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT

by day



Series: FAKE IT TILL U MAKE IT, THEY'RE ALL GAY [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Humor, M/M, also overuse of hyperbole, basically a compilation of my shitposts, over use of the fake dating trope
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-02
Updated: 2016-05-02
Packaged: 2018-06-06 01:17:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6731920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/day/pseuds/day
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>everyone fake dates each other</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. rip tsukki (kinda tsukihina also kinda kagehina who knos)

**Author's Note:**

> sometimes i write things and i sigh in shame but post it anyway
> 
> (someone asked me to post my shitposts on ao3 so they could have an offline version and i laughed for 30 minutes before agreeing so this is for u have fun)
> 
>  
> 
> [tumblr](http://yamayama--kun.tumblr.com)

It’s Tuesday afternoon and Hinata darts into the gym with frantic eyes and a screamed “someones gotta take one for the team and kiss me right now.”

There’s many things wrong with the situation. The first being that Hinata is actually 20 minutes late to practice when he’s usually an hour early, and two he’s asking someone to kiss him.

“Someone needs to do it and they have to do it fast-” Hinata huffs, glancing behind him at the door before whipping his head back to the team and scouring for a victim.

Kageyama is a very willing victim because this is his chance, he’s been wanting to kiss Hinata since they first met one another and this is his chance if only Hinata would look at him-

“Why?” Suga asks,interrupting Kageyama’s attempts at mental telepathy.

“You gotta.” Hinata blurts before cursing and gripping the closest thing, which happens to be a 188cm blonde with glasses. Kageyama misses his chance.

“You piece of shit, we are not doing this-” Tsukishima tries to shove Hinata away but Hinata is quite literally climbing him and before Tsukishima can say anymore, Hinata shoves their mouths together with no finesse. It’s wet and loud and involves a lot of manhandling.

Tsukishima has appeared to have passed on and entered some rigor mortis phase of decomposition when Hinata finally pulls his lips off with a wet pop and turns to the open gym doors where a crest fallen girl is staring.

“I’m sorry.” hinata bows, “I have a boyfriend. We kiss and stuff. I can’t date you but thank you for your feelings, they’re really nice.”

The girl stares at Tsukishima who is still frozen. Kageyama thinks he see’s a single tear fall down his cheek when Hinata wraps his arms around Tsukishima’s waist and rests his head against his stiff, soulless chest. Hinata doesn’t hear a heart beat. “He’s shy.”

“He’s dead.” Noya gapes from behind Kageyama.

“RIP Tsukki.” Yamaguchi whispers, raising watery eyes to the heavens.


	2. rip mattsun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MATSUHANA  
> im sorry

Matsukawa bursts into the cafe, sweat trickling down his temples as he scours the room for his friends. He lets out a loud sigh of relief as he catches sight of his friends and strides over as quickly as possible.

“I accidentally gave an old man the wrong impression and now he wants my ass and I lied and told him I was dating someone-” Matsukawa wheezes, gripping Hanamaki’s shoulders as he tries to catch his breath. Oikawa snickers in the background and Iwaizumi elbows him in the sternum.

“It is a nice ass,” Hanamaki comments consideringly and then lets out a strangled yelp as Matsukawa plants himself solidly in his lap. Matsukawa’s nice ass is right on Hanamaki’s dick and it’s a struggle between mind and body to either push Matsukawa away or pull him closer-

The situation is taken out of his hands when a mouth breathing old man saunters over, “You left before I could get your number-”

Hanamaki quirks an eyebrow and wraps an arm around Matsukawa’s waist, pulling him further onto his lap, “What can I do for you?”

The man eyes their position, “I’m here for Issei-”

“Oh, you have business with my boyfriend.” Hanamaki bats his eyelashes and looks up at Matsukawa who is red faced and still wheezing, “You have business with the love of my life. My sun and my stars. The fire of my loins-”

“Fuck you.” Matsukawa blurts instinctively, trying to wriggle out of his best friends grip. He doesn’t know what he was expecting, asking Hanamaki for help.

“Not now snookums, we can arrange for that later.” Hanamaki doesn’t miss a beat as he tightens his hold. “Someone has business with you. You should go, but these-” Hanamaki pauses to look at the old man. “How long is this going to take?”

“A few minutes.” The man says uncertainly.

“Right.” Hanamaki nods and then turns back to address Matsukawa with a trembling voice and watery eyes, “- These couple minutes are going to be so difficult without you. Being separated from you is painful but while you’re talking with this kind man, I wish you health and prosperity because I love you. Because we’re boyfriends.”

“Fiances.” Oikawa adds helpfully.

“Thank you, Oikawa. I had forgotten I proposed.” Hanamaki says without breaking eye contact with Matsukawa who is shaking in his lap. “Make sure to come back quickly, my beautiful bride. Because-” Hanamaki pauses again, grabs Matsukawa’s hand and presses it to his stomach, “I want to have a child with you.”

Matsukawa is on the verge of losing his shit. Hanamaki’s eyes pool over and drip down his face, expression tense as he fights down the laughter.

“I was thinking of Stacy for the name.” Hanamaki’s voice cracks, “Short for Ecstacy. Because raising a kid with you is going to be a fucking trip.”

Matsukawa buries his face in Hanamaki’s neck to hide the fact that he’s fucking sobbing.

Oikawa is curled up in a ball on the other side of the booth. Iwaizumi pats his back while wiping the single tear from his own cheek, stoic faced, “It’s a beautiful name.” He says seriously.

“Thank you Iwaizumi.” Hanamaki answers, “Anyway, Mattsun. Issei. My love. If you really must go talk to this man, be safe. Come back soon.”

Hanamaki looks up but the man is nowhere to be seen. He pulls Matsukawa closer once again and lets him sob into his shoulder. Oikawa is no longer breathing. Iwaizumi’s cheeks are wet.


	3. no one dies in this one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BOKURO ?? bokukuro??? bokuroo??? whats the right ship name i hate myself

> **i need u to pretend to break up w me** -kuroo
> 
> _i didn’t even get to date u yet :’—(((_ -bokuto
> 
> **bo will u date me**
> 
> _ye_
> 
> **thanks will u fight and break up w me in front of the brony oikawa set me up with**
> 
> _oikawa set u up with a brony??? lmfao_
> 
> **this isnt a lmfaoing matter bo im desperate he’s talking to me about rainbow dash**
> 
> _omw_

Bokuto takes a deep breath before entering the cafe, putting himself in the shoes of a scorned lover. He marches in and scours the room before he finds Kuroo eyeing a plastic spork as a man in a fedora makes elaborate hand gestures.

“ _Babe?_ ” Bokuto gasps as he walks over, an appalled expression on his face and a hand clutching his imaginary pearls.

Kuroo doesn’t even have a chance to play his part because Bokuto is too far into character and continues on, “What the hell is going on? I go to the bathroom for _two months_ and when I come back you’ve found yourself a new guy?”

“Two months is a long time to poo, you couldn’t have expected me to-”

“I’m lactose intolerant, you insensitive bitch, I trusted you-” Bokuto interrupts before whipping around to face the neckbeard, “And you? You think you can make my strawberry cream puff happy? Do you even know the first thing about him? What’s his bra size? Huh? Do you even know the fucking _basics_? No matter how hot his body is, he doesn’t look good in a rainbow dash cosplay-”

“How would you know?” Kuroo slams his hands on the table, eyes glinting with unconcealed emotion (no one is sure what that emotion is, exactly, but it’s obvious it’s a strong one). “He treats me better than you ever had! And he looks way better in a fedora than you ever will-”

“I should have killed you while I had the chance.” Bokuto spits and Kuroo shakes his head, the tears streaming freely down his face. They hold their intense eye contact until the man silently slips out of the booth and walks away.

“You think I have a hot bod?” Kuroo asks after a few seconds, genuinely touched.

“Yeah.” Bokuto nods seriously, “The hottest.”

“…babe..” Kuroo whispers.

“Sweetheart…” Bokuto whispers back, slipping into the newly vacated seat across from Kuroo to fill in as his date. They live happily ever after.


End file.
